


memories / causa vivere

by pgsaihara



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Nostalgia, i wrote this ab my bf sort of so jskgsg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 07:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18806947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pgsaihara/pseuds/pgsaihara
Summary: For Tord, there were memories of the life he had once before all around him.





	memories / causa vivere

**Author's Note:**

> sort of personal thingy its mostly projection but i tried my best jkghdkjgd  
> its meant to take place after tord leaves, sort of before he returns   
> sort of an au i guess

For Tord, there were memories of the life he had once before all around him.

It was a simple enough thing to say that you'd make it to the end of the year, to the time when he could return, but it was so much harder when everything around him only reminded him of the one person who could make his indolent heart pound like a jackhammer at his ribcage. It was only when he thought of that one person who still made his throat clamp up and his hands shaky and his eyes red with tears that he realized how deep he had gotten himself in. 

Not that he minded.

There wasn't much risk in falling in love with someone who already knew you to your core, after all.

He'd met Edd in the middle of his first semester of sophomore year. Edd was a freshman, a newcomer to the school who had yet to make any friends. He barely extended any sort of effort to most people, but it was obvious that since he met Tord, he was dead-set on becoming friends with him. 

It had worked, honestly. His inviting, warm demeanor and his wittiness had drawn Tord in the same way that a lamp attracts a moth.

The two had become quick friends, much quicker than either of them must have anticipated. The next month, they were already joined at the hip almost; they were near inseparable, to the point where most people began to associate them even when they'd paid neither of them any mind in the past. 

Throughout that docile November, the bond between the two grew like the vines of a kudzu plant. Every time that either one of them had problems, the other was there with comfort and advice. It was the most natural thing in the world to the two of them, like two long-lost pieces of a jigsaw puzzle finally falling into place. 

However, all things must come to an end, Tord figured. He knew that he would mess things up sooner or later, but he couldn't have imagined that it would end up this way. 

Of course, Tord had fallen for Edd, head over heels.

He remembered it clear as day, when Edd had leaned against him on the couch of his parents' shitty basement and casually mentioned a crush he had years ago on some girl that Tord didn't care to know the name of. 

"Hey, you ever been to a school dance before?" 

The question came innocently enough, probably just a wandering curiosity. Neither boy had ever had a desire to hide whatever was on their minds, instead having whatever random conversation that came about to them. It was just easier that way, after all.

"Nah. I never really had any friends or anyone to go with." Tord answered, clicking through channels idly while Edd listened to him.

"I tried to go once. I asked this girl that I liked for a few months out and she just laughed at me." Edd explained, laughing at the memory. Tord, however, froze up a little bit. _ah… why am I acting this way? Of course he'd like someone at some point in time… I mean, I have too, and he's my best friend, so why am I-_

That's when the realization hit him like a freight train. 

_Ah._

"That's kind of bitchy of her, don't you think?" Tord asked, continuing to flip channels, albeit a little bit quicker now. 

"Yeah, I guess. But y'know, kids are mean and stuff. I'm kind of over it. I don't think I'll ever end up dating anyone, and I guess I'm fine with that? I just don't really see anyone liking me."

Tord frowned a little, settling on some cooking show with obviously distressed cooks and a head chef staring irritably at his staff. 

"I don't know, I feel like there's gotta be someone out there for everyone, right? At least one person? You're really a nice person, and you're super funny and easy to talk to, so I'm sure that you'll find the one one day…" 

Tord trailed off, and went back into his thoughts.

Edd was quiet for a moment, before averting his gaze and mumbling a quiet, "thanks Tord."

Tord was worried that he had done the wrong thing, but the small, private smile that Edd had on his face was enough to let him know that he did the right thing saying what was on his mind.

-

The next time that Tord realized that he was in love was the day that Edd stood up for him.

No one had ever stood up for Tord in his entire life, not even Tord himself. No one had ever thought of him that way, or seen him as worthy of defending. If anything, they would just gawk or laugh or gossip about him, going on their way after watching the spectacle.

A group of kids that Tord had sat with during his past block decided to pick on him for not giving him the work that he did (not that he even did it in the first place - Tord wasn't a good student, not at all after fifth grade. It just got too much to keep up with.). 

Edd had shouted many profanities at the kids, yelling and shooing them away as wildly as a small kid with sheepdog hair could. To Tord's surprise, they did back off; maybe it was because there was someone else with him, or because they didn't want to cause too much of a scene and get in trouble, but whatever the reason, he was grateful.

He rushed over to Edd, looking at him and hoping that the sparkle in his eyes wasn't embarrassingly noticeable.

"Thanks, no one's… no one's ever done that for me before." Tord almost flinched at how awkward and cringy that sounded. Way to make him think you're an even bigger loser. 

"It's fine, I just… I don't like seeing people mess with you that way." The tone in the smaller boy's voice was a lot huskier than normal, a seriousness hanging heavy in it that made Tord's stomach churn a little bit. He's this defensive over me?

Tord was speechless for a moment, before he let out the breath that he didn't even know he was holding. "Do you wanna go get lunch or something? I don't have anything else to do tonight."

The two of them walked off together, Tord feeling much more elated than before.

-

It was a cold February night when Edd told him in front of all of their friends that he loved him.

Nothing had put Tord into more shock than that moment. His hands were trembling to the point where he thought he might hit the floor at any given time, his heart was beating out of its cage, and his head was spinning so fast that it was starting to give him vertigo, but he was happy, God was he ever happy. The feeling inside of him building up to give him all of these symptoms was pure ecstasy, a rush of joy so strong that it could've dropped him to the floor right then and there. He hoped, no, prayed, that he wasn't dreaming right now when he told Edd yes. 

He could still remember brushing the other boy's bangs out of his eyes and seeing the tears glistening in his eyes, hear the weight of those tears in his voice when he whispered back to him, "Tord, I'm happy, I'm so happy…" 

That was a night that he doubted either of them would ever forget, or at very least, he hoped. 

-

There were many more memories that the two made from that night onward.

Not all of them were positive, but they were human and real in a way that Tord had never experienced.

Never had he held a grudge against Edd, or been afraid to talk around him. He'd never been too scared to share what he thought or tell Edd when he was upset, and that was a miracle in it's own right.

He remembered the first time that he heard Edd cry for real, and the heart-wrenching feeling inside of him as he listened in helpless concern, wanting nothing more but to be there with him and hold him until everything was okay again. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible, and it wasn't anything major that had upset him; just a few haphazard jokes by one of their in-group. Even though Tord knew it was an accident, he still wanted to throttle the guy. It was one thing to make jokes, it was another to make his boyfriend cry that way.

Tord made sure to check in on him the next morning and even though he was fine, Tord was still sitting there mulling over the feeling of protectiveness building in his gut.

-

There were hot summers, sat in front of a fan on Tord's shitty low-income apartment, up until 5am where the two would play Pokemon or just talk until the world felt like nothing more than a dream stuck on cloud nine. There were nights where they did nothing more than lay there listening to each other yawn or talk, nights where they were both upset and stayed up late enough to make sure the other was okay, deep talks that Tord would never think of having with anyone else.

There was the time that Tord moved houses and cried and panicked because of how jarring it was, and Edd had gotten him through that. Edd had gotten him through everything.

There were times when Tord was terrified that Edd would find someone better than him and leave him, find someone who was worthy of how lovely and wonderful Edd was. Tord had brought it up with him and Edd had sworn that there was no one else that he wanted, and Tord had cried happy tears time and time again wondering how he had gotten this lucky.

Nights were spent together, days were spent together, uncomfortable conversations were had.

Dreams of each other ghosted gently over the two while they slept.

They went through the clumsy, infatuated puppy love stage of their first relationship together and tried their best to keep the other happy and comfortable, because if they lost this they had lost a bond unable to ever be recreated. Tord knew, at least, that if it wasn't Edd, he didn't want to be in a relationship. Love had never been something that particularly interested him in the first place, but, well, if it was Edd… That was entirely different.

Nights with Ringo and YouTube and jokes about the stupidest things were spent, long hours on phone calls and screen sharing sites.

There was the time that Tord had to move across states and he had been stuck ages away from Edd, but the two of them had stuck together.

Nothing would ever make Tord forget the clumsy, highschool romance that they had shared; nothing would make him give up the relationship that they held tightly to now.

-

Now, sitting on the edge of his bed with pink rims of exhaustion staining his sclera, Tord stared at the ground of his shitty apartment, the shitty fan blowing on him and making his heart ache painfully at the memories that he had of his boyfriend.

He had called him once again, staying up until 6am with him just like old times, talking about the most useless things and making the stupidest jokes (but it still made him laugh, so it was worth it), and he had thought hard and long about it…

He figured something out about the world, at last. 

It sounded cheesy, but as long as he had a home to go back to, he knew that this all would work out; whenever he got the chance to go back, he would.

Most people would be scared or uncertain or they would just give up, but Tord knew better.

Edd wasn't worth giving up for the entire world and more. Nothing would ever make him want to replace him with someone else, or to give him up in favor of 'simplicity'. Their relationship was nothing but a gift to him, and he would be a fool to throw that away.

For Tord, his sunshine on a dark stormy day was always that bright smile and those deep brown eyes, the mess of brunette hair and the endless passion and talent he had for his artwork. 

The ray of sunlight reaching through to him in every tempest that life forced him into was Edd, and he wouldn't give up that sort of sunshine for anything in the world.

At the end of the day, Tord thought, looking back on those humid summer nights and sleep-drunk school mornings, he realized that he finally knew what it meant to have a soulmate.


End file.
